The Preseason All-Name Team

You know we love names around here. Great team nicknames, great player names, mascot naming contests… you name it. Name, name, name.

I suppose you’re wondering how I can have a pre-season All-name team. Wouldn’t the same names still sound great at the end of the year?

The answer is yes. However, I got tired of scouring rosters about halfway through, and I already had enough great names to fill a fifteen-deep team, so I stopped. No doubt, some of the names I never got to will force their way onto this list by the end of the season.

So, without further ado, here is the STF All-name depth chart:

Starters

Bak Bak – 6’9″ Forward – Cal Golden Bears

Tiny Gallon – 6’9″ Forward – Oklahoma Sooners

Orion Outerbridge – 6’9″ Forward – Rhode Island Rams

Alibaba Odd – 6’2″ Guard – Delaware State Hornets

Just-in’love Smith – 5’11″ Guard – Siena Saints

Sixth Man

Osiris Eldridge – 6’3″ Guard – Illinois State Redbirds

Role Players

An’Juan Wilderness – 6’6″ Forward – Charlotte 49ers

Colt Idol – 6’3″ Guard – Montana State Bobcats

Da’Veed Dildy – 6’4″ Guard – Stanford Cardinal

Cam Payne – 6’4″ Guard – West Virginia Mountaineers

Jarrid Famous – 6’11″ Center – South Florida Bulls

Benchwarmers

Radar Onguetu – 6’5″ Forward – New Hampshire Wildcats

Scooter Gillette – 6’8″ Forward – Niagara Purple Eagles

Lex Mongo – 5’11″ Guard – UMass Minutemen

Nimrod Tishman – 6’5″ Guard – Florida Gators

The first four starters made it on overall name strength. In each case, first name and last name were awesome. Just-in’love was a great way to offset Smith, but in that case, the blindingly perfect first name carried the day over the common surname.

Osiris gets the sixth-man nod because he’s actually an awesome player, and because his first name makes me think of the green-skinned Egyptian god of the underworld. Us liberal arts graduates have to take our smarmy fun where we can get it, amirite?

Colt Idol should probably be a starter, but he has more of an AWJS-off-the-bench look, so he’s a role player on our team. The other names distributed well throughout the positions needed for backups, so that was nice. I’ve always like the way Cam and Payne are innocuous on their own, but combine to be funny.

Radar and Scooter make me think of M*A*S*H and Segway Personal Human Transports, respectively. Mongo sounds like one of John Chaney’s famous goons. And Nimrod? Well, he’s Israeli, so it’s not his fault, but over here, he’ll find his first name works well on all manner of signage. He should probably close his mouth while shooting free throws, too.

So, that’s the preseason list. Let me know who I missed.

If you liked this article, you may also be interested in:

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• 2009 Preseason NFL Predictions
• Colangelo Still Wants Pro Coaches on Team USA

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